Treading Water.

Hello Friends!

I will apologize in advance that I am sharing yet another "serious" blog post with you. I promise my next post will be a fun update on the kids with lots of pictures. But until then here is what I have had on my mind. 

Yesterday we attended church and it was not spiritual for me in the slightest. Now, that's not to say that the spirit wasn't there, the talks were well prepared and well delivered, the stage was set perfectly for me to come and enjoy some spiritual encouragement. The problem was in my attitude. I was frustrated and feeling frazzled after spending the morning hurriedly getting the kids ready for church, our kids were less then perfect during Sacrament and I ended up out on the couch with Makenna feeling even more frustrated because I knew that I would be spending the next two hours helping the Sunbeams class in Primary because Avery is having a hard time adjusting. It was while I was sitting on the couch brooding about how lame, I feel' coming to church has become with two small children that a friend sat down next to me, she is in the same situation, two small children who refuse to sit still and play quietly.  We started lamenting to each other our rough lives and laughing about why we even bother trying. As the hour ended and we prepared to go our separate ways the thought entered my mind, this to shall pass. I rolled my eyes and thought in response, yes it will but not quickly enough. I then sat through two long hours trying to coerce 7 or so 3 & 4 year old's to sit quietly during Primary. By the time church was over I was rushing Adam out the door cranky and tired, while waiting for Adam to talk to someone I overheard a brother in our ward talking to someone about the principle of enduring. He mentioned that sometimes he feels like our test in these rough moments in our lives is to simply endure, and by doing so we are showing our faith to our Father in Heaven. I filed that away to think about later and gave Adam my crankiest look to clue him in I was ready to leave. My attitude on the drive home was less then loving and I quickly fed my kids, laid them down for naps and passed out on the couch for the remainder of my Sunday afternoon. I wish I could say that yesterdays experience seldom happens and usually Sunday's are the highlight of my week. Once upon a time and many moons ago that was the truth, but now every Sunday is battle. Every single one. 

Fast forward to today (Monday) and I have been in a cranky mood all morning. Mostly out of guilt for the way I felt yesterday....I wish I could just go to church and feel the spirit. I wish my kids would just attend nursery and primary easily and enjoy doing so like most other kids their age. These are righteous desires. I have prayed for this to get easier and if anything it seems to only get worse. Fine, can I give up now? And here in lies the problem, someday attending church will be easy. But will it have the same meaning to me if I haven't gone through these rough days with my young children? No, I don't believe that it will. The other lesson that I feel fairly certain I am supposed to be learning is that while I may not be able to feel the spirit and learn about the gospel at church because I need to help my children, that doesn't mean I can't be doing more with my own personal time to bring myself closer to my Father in Heaven. So while in the shower today I made the decision and commitment to spend my early mornings dedicated to scripture study and prayer. Every day for the next 30 days I will wake up 30 minutes before I know Avery will be awake and allow myself this time, dedicated to the Lord. I can confidently state that my hypothesis is that I will see a great change in my attitude on all accounts. As a wife, a mother, and a friend, and I look forward to feeling a stronger spiritual connection to my Heavenly Father. 

I know not all of my friends who read my blog are of the same faith, or of any faith at all. But I encourage each of you to rededicate time out of your day to find your inner peace. Whether you find that through scripture study, reading uplifting books, meditation, whatever it may be take that time. I predict we will all see a more peaceful and loving day spent with our children and husbands. I will let you all know how it goes for me. Whew, day one starts tomorrow!