Parenting Blues.

I love my children. 

Ok, now that I've reminded myself of that let's talk about tonight. Actually, let's talk about the rough 3 months I've been having. Parenting is hard. Really hard, and Avery seems bent on making it even harder still. So tonight I need to talk about him, I need to be candid, I need to be honest, and I need to be real.
Let me first tell you that potty training is probably never gonna happen with this kid. He just doesn't want to do it, stubborn takes on a whole new meaning when in reference to Avery. 
Let me also tell you that Avery has not slept through the night since he was 6 months old. Not once. 
I may as well throw in there that he knows how to push my buttons and I'm pretty sure there are times where he pushes them just because he is bored. 
And tonight, well tonight at a gathering in front of the majority of the ladies I attend church with he decided to pull the fire alarm. Really? 
Pity party is over, here is the part where we get real, ready?
After Avery pulled the fire alarm I was surprised at what I saw and encountered. I of course had the ladies who felt bad and felt even worse that Avery broke into tears as soon as the alarm sounded. This clearly is not something he does on a regular basis and he had no idea what the consequence to that action was going to be. I had the ladies who rolled their eyes, and looked the other way....I'm sure they were annoyed that on their evening out away from their kids someone else's child had to ruin the fun.  I had the ladies who commented as I walk by and quickly got my children's coats on that some people clearly don't know how to parent their children, and I had the kind and loving ladies who offered to help me get the kids ready and asked if I needed help getting them out to the car. I had Avery crying still clearly upset and shaken, I had Makenna clearly not phased by all the commotion and I had myself, humiliated, frustrated and wanting to make a break for the door. Dane Cook anyone? "My shoes, where are my shoes, aww forget it, I'm going out without my shoes"....that was me. I cried the entire way home, how could I seriously show my face in front of these ladies again?? The last months of being a mom have been hard and tiresome for me and this just proves that I clearly don't have what it takes to raise decent human beings. And then we got home. I got Avery out of the car and rushed the kids into the house. I quickly began getting them ready for bed, shaking with frustration at Avery. I was in the process of saying a silent prayer asking for the patience to just get them in bed without anything else going wrong when Avery put his hand on my shoulder. With tears streaming down my face I turned and asked him what he wanted. He had the most concerned look on his face when he asked "Mommy whats wrong?" I told him I was just sad and frustrated and he looked deep into my eyes and said "I love you mommy, it's ok" he then gave me the longest hug and wiped the tears from my face. 
Friends, I know that parenting is rough, it stretches us to our very limits and just when we think we can't possibly deal with another thing it pushes us even further. But today reminded me that there is nothing in this world I would rather be doing. There is no higher calling I could be doing in this moment. Sure, Avery is a tough kid. He is definitely one of those kids that old ladies say "he sure is a handful" about. But he is mine. Heavenly Father sent him to me because I may be the only person in the world in this moment who can love him for all the wonderful qualities he holds, and who can love him for all the rough patches we are still smoothing out. As Avery wiped the tears from my face I knew that he was acting on behalf of my Father in Heaven, comforting me in a way that no one else could. So let me tell you a few more things about Avery. 
Avery is having a hard time potty training because he only likes to do things when he knows he can do them 100%. He gets that from his dad.
Avery wakes up at least once a night and all he asks for is a hug from mommy. Every night as I tuck the blankets around him and give him a hug he whispers in my ear, thank you mommy. 
Avery pushes my buttons because he wants to know that there is nothing he can do that will make me love him less. It's my job to prove to him day after day that I am here, I love him, and I am his biggest cheerleader. If that's all I have accomplished in a day then it is enough. 
The events of tonight happened for a reason, I needed to be reminded of just what a sweet boy I have been blessed with. Yes I am sorry that others had to suffer the blaring sirens, crying kids, and a ruined evening....but I hope that the Christian in them can see past the frustrations and disappointment of their evening. I also hope that the next time you see a mother frustrated and upset trying to mold her young toddler into a strong and confident person you will remember my little story and you will give her a reassuring smile. That's all she needs.